Maine Author and Poet
Ashley Elizabeth Mitchell
Ashley Elizabeth Mitchell is a born-and-raised Mainer. She is a Maine poet with three poetry collections and two picture books. She is an avid volunteer and resides in Maine with her husband, six children, her dog Jimothy, and numerous other animals.Books:
Lost Poems of a Functioning Mother: the endless journey of babylossCarry Me Along — A visual-poetic collaboration exploring death and remembrance.You Are Wondrous — A poem-collage series of flowers created out of news articles about women in Maine doing great things. The artwork featured by Chitrakar Art School in 2022.Haikus from Lincoln, Maine29Newest Collection of Poetry:
I Tried; Failed Submissions from a Serial Dreamer
A Memoir Essay for Emily
aka A Deeper Dive into Ashley
Ashley is the Director of Save a Life Recovery Resource Center, is a mental health advocate, a Catholic mother of 6, co-host of the Strange Shenanigans podcast, and has many other labels that have been thrust upon her in a once label-less world.This piece is dedicated to my friend Emily.My friend Emily asked me to write a memoir essay. My co-worker said I had to find an outlet to go into better detail about who I am. I didn’t really know how to do either, honestly, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do either. Over and over again, I tried to write about one event in my life that changed me. Over and over again, I hated what I wrote and really had no interest in bringing up the past. I also did, and still do, worry about writing or saying anything for fear of hurting those around me. That is something that comes up over and over again whether it is in my blog posts, newspaper articles, interviews, guest posts, and more. I’m not sure that will ever go away. This exercise also made me wonder if I had anything worth writing. Especially after doing this work, I have seen that my pain, my hardships, are nothing compared to those I have worked with. I have also learned that we all need to stop comparing pain and war stories. Regardless, here is my attempt at a memoir essay for Emily. I guess these are the moments in my life that have defined me, condensed into all these little moments and experiences. Emily deserves for me to do this right because she has done nothing but inspire me every day that I get to spend with her or hear from her.Being the director of a recovery center has meant sharing stories, memories, and past experiences. Something that was very unfamiliar to me and many things I repressed for a reason. Repression really hasn't been an option, which now I know is a good thing, but I had to discover that. I keep discovering that sharing my past and experiences is a good thing and sometimes it is a welcomed thing. My lived experience, another label I had to discover and embrace, is in mental health and in mental health struggles. I do not have a recovery story to share in the scenes that play out in the world I am immersed in, in that world, I am considered what is called "an affected other" which is sometimes embraced and sometimes (most of the time) pushed aside.The label “affected other” in my world means someone who is affected by substance use. While I am unsure how that doesn’t apply to almost everyone, this is where I land. I am an affected other because I do not have enough fingers and toes to count the number of my direct family members who had or have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, opioids, gambling, many other drugs, OTC’s, and many other substances. I knew, way before I landed in a recovery center, that the cycle had to be broken somewhere. I was not going to pass on the generational trauma to the next generation. While I have failed, I also know that I have done the best I can, and I keep passing on all the unfiltered knowledge I can, and I have made sure that this next generation has a better chance. They will be the ones, I can guarantee it, who will break the generational cycle. I have lost family to overdoses, suicide, and illness related to the unhealthy relationships that substances thrive on.Mental health is something I struggled with, and still do, for as long as I can remember. I cannot pinpoint when it started, but it has always been a part of me. While I look back now and can see how far I have come. I still live in fear of many traits and curses coming back; they haunt the back of my mind. When I was in my teen years, I was suicidal, self-harming (and I still have the scars to remind me constantly), I suffered from undiagnosed severe depression and anxiety, was a pathological liar, had terribly low self-esteem, and was bulimic. I resented help as a teen and craved it at any moment. I was ashamed and scared and felt like I’d be an even bigger failure if I let anyone help me. I also felt like everyone would just be one more person who would not listen to me, who would not hear me, and who would not see me. I had spent years in physical and verbal abuse from those around me, and I had repressed memories of inappropriate behavior from medical staff that took me years to admit and cope with (well into adulthood). I had no trust in anyone around me and felt like I had to act the way I did because somehow me making everything worse would somehow make it better. I was a confused and lost teen. Looking back, I am incredibly blessed to have had the people in my life who stayed with me regardless of the way I acted and regardless of the things I went through and put myself and others through.Later on in my life, I suffered from postpartum depression, numerous times over, and I still cope with the demons of depression, anxiety, self-esteem issues, and eating issues (that have turned into the opposite of bulimia). Now I can top it all off with ADHD. My anxiety issues skyrocketed when my daughter passed away at birth (stillborn), with that life event came more depression, a new fear of crowds in closed buildings, being overwhelmed at the drop of a hat. That was an incredibly hard time for me, my husband, and everyone around me. I look back now and I can see how close I was slipping back into the old habits of teen years that have cursed my memories and fears. Luckily, I was able to grow out of that experience and allow that tredgiy and grief to be a part of me and not define my marriage or myself. It was another thing my marriage had to overcome and an event that made it what it is today. My marriage already had to overcome my teen years, already had to overcome the struggles that come with marrying so young, already had to overcome my deamons that I brought into it. Now that I have been able to grow and look back, I am so blessed to see how my life and everything a part of it has turned out and grown into. Despite my flaws, despite the days where the darkness runs across my face, I have always had someone who has never given up on me, and I have been able help break this generational cycle for my children and change their outcomes so they are not the same as mine.Then my little brother died, at 14. My world was crushed. He died of cancer, and it was an incredible struggle. In the end, it brought my family a lot closer than we had been in the past; it also tore up the family. Thats a spot in my heart that will never be filled, that will always be empty and hurt. That grief does not go away; you just learn how to live with it and keep moving.I hope I am a good mother, but I know that I am a terrible housekeeper; at least I can admit it. I am in a career where a lot of things get brought up, a lot of questions about myself and my own experience get brought up. It has shown me that there are only a few things that are more lonely than suffering with mental health issues, and even in this advanced, progressive day, it is still isolating and not really understood. We all claim we understand, we all pass on tools to cope, we all say you are not alone, but the end result is normally a feeling of no understanding and of being alone. I can end this by saying "you are not alone", and while I want that to be true, I know that you feel alone regardless. When your mental health is suffering, you are suffering, and we constantly have to work on it. It is exhausting. It is like a never-ending workout. Even when I am not on edge, I always see the edge, and I work so hard every day not to fall off of it.So there it is, all unnecessarily laid out. For you to take it or toss it out the window. I know there is more that should be in the memoir, more to share. I know I have over-shared, but I hope this gives a glimpse into myself. Now, in 2026, compared to 2005, compared to 2013, compared to my whole life, now is where I want to be, now is where I want to be. I now look forward to growing up and seeing what is coming. Most days, most days, I live in a lot less fear than I used to. I like the place that I am in, and I hope others can find that place too.